An Introduction of Sorts
How well do you ever really know someone? If they are anything like me, then they have been busy carefully curating all the right personas and characteristics for all the right people and places. I get lost in the process of displaying, ever so meticulously, exactly what I want to and hiding ever so feverishly the things about me, that I think would be negatively received by others or perceived by others as undesirable.
In the unimaginable distance between two people there is a constant balance between what you share and what you hold near. I want to tip the scales and begin sharing who I am, what I've been through, and the changes I want to make in myself and in the world.
I could tell you the story of how I feel like I am so many people when I answer to the name Sarah, I can be your daughter, your sister, your friend, your co-worker, an acquaintance or even a stranger. I have become different things to different people, not out of a need to deceive or manipulate, but to protect myself. I thought I needed to protect myself from things such as the rejection, or failure, embarrassment or shame that I might feel, but I forgot this whole time that those things make up who I am, and are how I am am going to make changes in my life and in the world.
My mother Rose Lee, who passed away in 2013, would sometimes call me Marie, my middle name. Since then I cannot recall anyone else calling me that. To give a bit of background information, after she passed away, I was really very sad and I often felt alone whenever I would need to talk about something. I would think to myself, "I need to talk to mom, she's the only one who understands me or the only one who really knows everything about me" I felt as though I not only lost my mother and best friend, but I grieved too because I felt like I lost the witness to my life, the person who knew all my stories, scars, details, the wonderful things and the horrible things about me and loved me anyways. I felt like no one else really knew it all. This is not to say that all my family and friends don't know me, they just don't all have the whole story.
Sometimes when I'm talking to myself I'll say something like "oh come on Marie, get it together" or "Marie, you can do this". I have finally realized it is because I feel at home in that name, I feel recognized and loved there.
So, to begin this journey of self discovery, disclosure, and exploration I'm starting this blog. I would like to start sharing my stories, thoughts, opinions, my history, my goals, and my values. I plan on discussing who I am, who I want to be, my history with chronic pain, my history of drug use and abuse, body image issues and questions, veganism, exercise, animal rights, domestic abuse, my travel experiences and travel goals, career choices and career goal exploration, my family/friends, and it starts with Marie.
In the unimaginable distance between two people there is a constant balance between what you share and what you hold near. I want to tip the scales and begin sharing who I am, what I've been through, and the changes I want to make in myself and in the world.
I could tell you the story of how I feel like I am so many people when I answer to the name Sarah, I can be your daughter, your sister, your friend, your co-worker, an acquaintance or even a stranger. I have become different things to different people, not out of a need to deceive or manipulate, but to protect myself. I thought I needed to protect myself from things such as the rejection, or failure, embarrassment or shame that I might feel, but I forgot this whole time that those things make up who I am, and are how I am am going to make changes in my life and in the world.
My mother Rose Lee, who passed away in 2013, would sometimes call me Marie, my middle name. Since then I cannot recall anyone else calling me that. To give a bit of background information, after she passed away, I was really very sad and I often felt alone whenever I would need to talk about something. I would think to myself, "I need to talk to mom, she's the only one who understands me or the only one who really knows everything about me" I felt as though I not only lost my mother and best friend, but I grieved too because I felt like I lost the witness to my life, the person who knew all my stories, scars, details, the wonderful things and the horrible things about me and loved me anyways. I felt like no one else really knew it all. This is not to say that all my family and friends don't know me, they just don't all have the whole story.
Sometimes when I'm talking to myself I'll say something like "oh come on Marie, get it together" or "Marie, you can do this". I have finally realized it is because I feel at home in that name, I feel recognized and loved there.
So, to begin this journey of self discovery, disclosure, and exploration I'm starting this blog. I would like to start sharing my stories, thoughts, opinions, my history, my goals, and my values. I plan on discussing who I am, who I want to be, my history with chronic pain, my history of drug use and abuse, body image issues and questions, veganism, exercise, animal rights, domestic abuse, my travel experiences and travel goals, career choices and career goal exploration, my family/friends, and it starts with Marie.
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