Roadblocks??? Here I am.

In contemplation of a series of questions that were asked of me, "What is standing in your way right now? What obstacles are holding you back?".

 I wrote. 

In order for something to be standing in my way or creating an obstacle, would I not have to have a destination in mind? A 'way' to be standing in front of? 

Here is where I am, not in line, not standing in front of an obstacle, and not confronting any big issue or dilemma which first requires solving. Here I am, with no direction, no obvious desire or destination, and therefore no obstacles or roadblocks to speak of.

The great spiritual leaders talk about being here now and the 'now' being all there is, and I feel akin to them in the sense that I know nothing else. Don't get me wrong, I too live half my day in the past or future, hypotheticals and imaginings, i'll be more clear.

I know I seek for things, for happiness and peace, for freedom and love, and yet I do not see a clear direction forward, nor do I even still see my past as backwards, I sort of feel it all, here and now and somehow I'm still at a crossroads, I think I always am and always have been.

But the directions aren't mapped out, with one indicating this sort of future and the other that sort. Im at the crossroads, the roadblock, the crucifixion of daily existence, subtly trying to combine peace of spirit with worldly life. And yet, for the first time Im realizing that this is life. Its like an epiphany happening slowly and so inclusively that its all at once and forever.

The world tells me I should have a career path, a family probably, and at least a god damn purpose. The world is a lot smaller these days than I think it used to be, what with world travel, constant streaming of information via our phones and television sets with on demand everything, and anything delivered on your doorstep, despite the casualty of planet and plant worker, within 2 days.

When I say the world, I also mean my world. My world consists of not only my mind, body and spirit, but also my connection to my family, the limited and often dwindling number of people I call true friends, and then there is the great mass of society. Yes, I too participate in it. 

I have recurring conversations with my father about how 'reality' has to eventually set in,  and about how this is the way it is. He hopes for safety and security for me and my siblings, and and so he offers his wisdom  from his experience on how to achieve just that. He drills in that everyone has to get real and do the things they don't want to do sometimes in order to survive; ie work a job, make money, pay bills and so on, essentially he is preaching responsibility and I get and appreciate that. You know, the typical 9-5 or given that my father knows my siblings and I are anything but typical, at least do the daily grind so as to have the sufficient amount of grounds to show for it. 

I mean, ya can't brew a good cup of coffee without grinding a few beans. 

My father is very practical, he grew up in what I think is essentially a different world, where folks got jobs, retirements, pensions and kept these jobs for thirty years. He would say all the time when I was growing up, "No one likes to go to work, work isn't supposed to be fun, but you have to get up and go to work everyday, even when you hate it" and then he would revel in his weekends and once or twice a year vacations. He was an amazingly stable and responsible parent and through that gave his children, and continues to give, a loving and safe home. 

I find that reality is relative though and here he and I have interesting conversations around this idea. Reality does not have to set in, its always been here, but my reality is that I am inside this body, living on the spec of dust floating in the universe and although the systems that society have created have gotten humanity this far, I choose not to subscribe to most of it, or at least I am finally opening my eyes to all the ways I no longer want to! The parts of society I do subscribe to or participate in, are often (not all) begrudgingly and somewhat against my will! 

Think - peer pressure at its worst, mixed with human insecurity and a desire to be loved and valued. So I participate in some aspects and feel that this is, or at least should be more of a choice than a coercion.

Additionally, humanity is in a rut. Im more and more concerned for humanity as the days go by. We normalize so much about what humanity is up to that we have all but ceased to have integrity, empathy, connection and the actual definition of humanity; being compassionate, sympathetic, and with a generous disposition. 

People killing people, people killing animals, and people killing the planet. All the while, people are so busy in discussion and discourse about how to stop one kind of human made atrocity we are committing over another, but forgetting that when these actions are taken for nation, or money, or pride there will be no solution. 

Call me naive, a hippie tree-hugger, old fashioned, idealistic or idiotic, actually, call me whatever the fuck you want, but this system (the whole system of society, not just governments or economies and the societal mass's pressures and subscriptions, its division and its hatred for anything not itself) is not working. 

We are not separate but connected, that is the absolute solution, and until we recognize that,  this system and this society is not really what I'm going to concern my 'reality' with.

No thank you.

Okay, I digress. You'll find that.

Where were we? Oh yeah, we were here. I am starting to realize that I am not looking for something far off in the future that I have to work toward or achieve, I am right now, in the moment trying to live. Im also finding that this desire to be alive is constantly at odds with participating with society or fitting into it I guess you could say.

Another digression but this time you're forewarned; I am trained in a few specialties and could try to teach them or coach them and make a living off of it, and often when I do consider this option, a small part of it excites me, and the other part, the much larger part, the pimp myself out and social media myself to death part says - hell to the no. 

Its not that I dont want to fit in, and its not that I dont crave and desire connection and community and support as much as the next person. No, quite the opposite, I just dont see it there.

For others, maybe its fulfilling, but for me, I feel insecure and less than enough and far-far away from happiness and the present moment when I'm selling my shit on the internet. Now, some may say me writing this, if I publish it to the webs of the world wide that I am doing just that, and to them I say okay. maybe. 

This is also an exercise in catharsis and self expression that I don't personally feel when logging in for likes and sharing as a substitute for substance. 

But here is where I struggle, I will think of a post to share about something I truly care about, let's say a video about self love or health and happiness. After about ten minutes I have filmed a video and I think to myself, "Why do I need to put this out there, there are so many people already doing the same thing, who is this actually helping? Is it helping? And why do they need to hear it from me? Why am I doing it? Is it to help someone or to be liked and feel like I fit in, is it to feel good enough, and if so, what happens when I don't get the validation? What happens when it's merely glanced at and passed over with the same twelve folks liking it because they liked the picture attached or they just like the idea of me as a person."  I do this to other people's social media posts all the damn time. After that, I simply don't post. Another way to look at this is even when I do, and even when i get the satisfaction and validation I thought I was looking for, I feel - No Closer - to real human connection than I did before the online validation. Fact. If anything, I feel less confident and my self-worth is in question now that I have all but handed my power away to the inter-web profile machines. 

All of this feels like a goddamn waste of precious life!!!! When I reach 80 years old, if I get to be that lucky, I sure as shit don't think anyone will remember a post I put on social media, nor do I think those interactions are really real and will come to much or at least they haven't in the last 10 years! (now before folks start at me with the, "you never know who needs to hear this or who it helped",  I know that, and I agree that for some folks it may make a difference to them, my general thesis here is that its not making the right differences for me, in my life, with real life connections and contributions.) 

I also understand that in capitalist terms having a business these days, in order to survive, let alone thrive, (even operating a well intentioned, difference making, essential or meaningful business) one must also buy into the participation and solicitation these screens and platforms require. (* insert nostalgic image of a child, sitting on rooftop, staring at the stars and wishing there were a better way).

I used to think I was missing out on something if I wasn't on social media, for example interacting with friends, making or kindling a romantic connection, or events and gatherings in my community and now I know I am missing out more when I am!!! I am missing out on actually being with myself and with others, missing out on knowing I'm enough, and ya know what, frankly I'm so sick of these posts about "lets normalize talking about this" or "its okay to feel this way and that way at the same time" "its okay to say no and still care" You are enough" 

For Fucks sake!!! We wouldn't have to go around validating everything about everyone if we didn't set up systems of oppression and division in the first place, and if we didnt spend most of our time operating from a lack mentality or a scarcity space! And yes, yes I know, these systems were created long ago, but when we participate in them, we uphold them! I see social media as a way to falsify our lives, to voluntarily put ourselves in the matrix, its like playing sims with your own life! you go on there, create a profile and then go about creating and judging yourself and others based on the success or failure of said profile. (Reminder, read in the voice of Tyler Durden; you are not your profile) 

The winners get likes and follows, along with sponsors and partnerships and the losers get to feel the isolation more deeply, that living in the technological version of our lives affords and offers. All for the same, great low-price of your time, energy, love and life. 

Fuck that I'm out. At least for today. 

Anyway, like I was saying, Im living here, and so far as I can tell I am doing a damn fine job of becoming and being a beautiful, divine, loving soul learning more about my sacred life, with lots to offer and even more to be grateful for. 

I love you, I love me, and I love where this is going.